Relapse, Restrict, Recovery

I want to be free and unrestricted in my life and my eating disorder.
Two people have said to me this week ‘You’ve lost weight’
That phrase is just a battlefield of emotions and honestly, I’m pleased. Have I lost weight? Impossible to tell for sure as I cannot go through the trauma of weighing myself. But I’ve been stressed, I’ve stopped sleeping, I’ve been doing a lot of crying, so quite possibly I have lost weight. My clothes are not tight and I’m surviving on 2 apples a day, and a few other random bits of food every now and then. As delighted as part of me is for restricting well and losing weight, part of me is dying inside a bit every time this happens. I think I’m relapsing, going to a place I’ve been before. Losing two stone won’t make me happy. It won’t change the situations I’m really upset about. But tell that to my ‘eating disordered voice’. It doesn’t listen.

How long does recovery take?
I’m despairing, I’m in virtually the exact same place I was a year ago – bar the fact I’m a stone heavier and occasionally eat some biscuits. Other than that very little has changed. Will it change by next year? The year after?

I’m terrified. I’m terrified of bring ill, terrified of eating. Someone said to me today ‘Everyone is waiting for you, waiting for you to get better, to come back and be you again’. I spent a lot of time crying. I said to Mr J, ‘I can’t do this, please can you do it for me’ I’m so tired. Exhausted. Carrying around an eating disorder on top of just life. I’m scared about how addictive my eating disorder is. I’ve not eaten much in the past few weeks, and it’s been ridiculously easy in many ways to slip back in and not eat.

I so want a bloody pizza. I would literally just eat 7000 pizzas.
I want to laugh again, and live, and be ‘me’.

How do people recover? Is it possible? I just want someone to switch off this voice in my head.
I wish it would go away. It’s destroying my life. It’s taken me.

Reaching the other side WILL be worth it

‘Now, you may say, how can anyone who has got it all be so stupid as to want to end it all?
‘That’s the point, there is no ‘why’, it’s not the right question. There’s no reason.
‘If there were a reason for it, you could reason someone out of it, and you could tell them why they shouldn’t take their own life, and some of the most brilliant minds there have been have taken their own lives.’ Stephen Fry.

 

I think this quote has to be one of the most poignant I’ve read in ages. There is no ‘why’, it’s the wrong question. I think that applies to much more than feeling depressed too. I read an article the other day about someone who took lots of drugs and is physically now struggling and living with the horrendous consequences. My immediate thought was ‘How could someone be so stupid as to take those drugs, when the consequences are so bad’ and then I thought to myself ‘Hang on, YOU did that. You swallowed laxatives like they were smarties.’ I knew what they could do (not initially maybe but I soon did). I remember when I was incredibly mentally unwell, my eating disorder was just beginning to take form but my depression was horrendous, I swallowed laxatives day in, day out. This was before I was seeing the GP and having check ups. I remember horrendous cramps and palpitations. I have no idea if that was a result of the laxatives but I feel looking back, it’s likely it may have been. I look back and realise I was incredibly lucky.

I had an eating disorder. I took laxatives, I threw up, I exercised. I starved myself until I nearly died. And no I wasn’t horrendously underweight, I didn’t need hospital admission, but I still suffered physical health consequences, one of which nearly did kill me. Just this week I’ve had minor surgery as an indirect result of my eating disorder. I was seriously ill – I shouldn’t need to validate my illness. Yes but I wasn’t BMI 12, but my periods only stopped for 7 months, but I didn’t need admission etc etc. I was ill. I had an eating disorder.

But I don’t now. There’s something immensely sad about writing that. It’s like saying goodbye to something that has been such a big part of my life. But I can’t live with my eating disorder. I know I need to give it up. I’ve eaten massively better in the past week. It’s a struggle. But there are some positives. I try and hold onto the positives, they make the hard times worth it.

I don’t know if defining myself via my eating is doing me good. I can distinguish that part as n illness, but I want to be me because of me. I surely have better qualities than the jeans I fit into?
I’m not a size 8 and right now, I’m not okay with that. I want to be thin and pretty and self confident and right now I’m none of them. But I don’t want that so much that I’m willing to sacrifice my life to get it. I want to eat a chocolate bar and think ‘that was lush, ill have another one!’

Ultimately eating isn’t my problem and never was. I used eating to mask my feelings. That’s how my eating disorder started – I was so utterly depressed and no one understood or listened, I as literally crying out for help and the only way people – professionals and family and friends – noticed something was wrong was when I lost weight. By that time my eating disorder was so encroached into my being I couldn’t fight it.

No amount of therapy or appointments with professionals can change me – yes they do help, I don’t deny that – but I am the only one who can make the change.

I read my blog and other people’s and I think ‘this is so sad’, we are missing out on such fun in life, we are missing out on living! No one actually gives a fuck whether or not I have a KitKat or three for that matter! Only me, because I listen to an irrational and deluded voice in my head, that is wasting my life. That’s not to say its easy, it’s not easy at all. I don’t have the answers, I’m still struggling through this too, but I do believe reaching the other side will be worth it.

Failure.

I haven’t been to the gym for 5 days. I feel sick and scared when I think about it. I’m a complete failure. I feel bad. To compensate I threw up over the weekend, and have restricted to 1100 kcals today. You can eat a lot on 1100kcals. I’m not sure why I ever need to eat anymore. I haven’t not been to the gym for lack of wanting to exactly. I am tired but I’m always tired. I feel like I’ve failed. I’ve failed at having a proper eating disorder, and I’ve failed at recovery.

Be Careful What You Wish For

When I was younger, in my teens, I used to want to be anorexic.

To be underweight and thin, who’d not want to be that?!

It sort of felt like an unattainable goal, and I wanted that ‘tag’ to be the ‘underweight’ one. I was never underweight at school, or college or Uni. I was just average all the time.

I look back now with some clarity and realise that apart from the past few years, my weight has always pretty much been around the same. Actually I’ve pretty much always been about this clothes size. But back then I thought thin = perfect. To some degree, I still do now.

But there is nothing to ‘want’ for having an eating disorder. No one, who has been through an eating disorder, would ever want that. Ever.

I’m not underweight – depressingly yesterday I couldn’t get on a pair of size 12 jeans. I feel huge. But because of my messed up eating over the past two years, I am left with the ‘anorexic brain’, in a body that doesn’t match.

To live, day in, day out, scared, fearful, anxious because of eating and food is exhausting.

Top that with the physical side effects – yes I’m healthier than I was when my BMI was 17 – but I still feel tired and cold day in, day out. I feel like fainting pretty much every day, although mostly never do pass out. And the physical effects of throwing up can’t be doing me any good either.

How am I living? I’m not. I’m existing. I’m alive but not living. What am I achieving? Nothing because I’m too tired most of the time. What are they going to write on my gravestone? ‘She was a nice girl and one time was a size 8 for 6 months’ Isn’t that a pretty crap existence? Since I was 14 – the past 16 years – I’ve been a healthy size 16. I’ve been a size 16 and not overweight and I’ve been happy and healthy. Why on earth does a pair of size 8, 10, 12 trousers matter? In the scheme of life, why does it matter?

To not eat, it’s just not living really. To exist on vegetables and good foods – more vegetables and fruit – there’s no fun, no laughter – not least because I’m too scared and anxious but also because I’m trying not to faint. I keep saying ‘yes but hang in with not eating until your holiday for another few months so you can wear a bikini’ So I carry on existing, no living. Doing who knows what damage to my body – not to mention my mental health and relationships, for the sake of having ‘slimmer’ thighs in a bikini??? Really??? That’s what society wants? That’s what I want?

There will always be someone thinner. And prettier.

But I am the only me, surely I count for something?

Eating Habits of the weird…

Before my eating disorder my most ‘weird’ habit was melted chocolate! I adored it. I’d leave chocolate in my car in the summer so it would melt and I could spoon melted chocolate out of the wrapper! (Sounds gross, is so lush!)

When I developed my eating disorder, apart from not eating a whole host of foods and food groups, my eating behaviours became – and some still are – bizarre.

- I still regularly freeze food. No not frozen peas or pizza. Cereals, chocolate, cakes, biscuits, yogurts – anything I could potentially eat in a moment of weakness. I was going to call this blog ‘The Cereal is in the Freezer’ because my partner frequently used to call out from the kitchen ‘Why are the Weetabix in the freezer – again?!’

- Hot. I used to tolerate hot food before my eating issues but never enjoyed it. Now I routinely eat hot vegetable curries (and admittedly routinely throw up hot vegetable curries but anyway…) the fear of eating foods, sauces made with cream meant I had no choice but to eat hot foods. Then I restricted meat so hot vindaloo veggies are the ‘treat’ I look forward too…

- Eating the same foods, day in, day out. Prior to my eating problems I had a relatively healthy and varied diet. Now my diet is lacking substantially in areas and despite being ‘slightly overweight’ prior to my eating problems I believe I was healthier then than now. Now I am very rigid. I have safe foods, medium foods, bad foods. I do not touch bad foods – any type of ‘fast foods’, cakes, doughnuts, pies etc etc. medium foods I can eat – like a biscuit, or 3 squares of certain dark chocolate, or 4 wine gums. But these come at a price. I compensate with exercise. Safe foods I can eat – cereal, but only a certain amount at one time of a day, fruit – but only 1 banana a day, other types I eat more of. Cereal bars, only under 100 calories though and only if needed, like I feel ill. I eat lots of salad, vegetables and live on rice crackers. I miss food. A dream, dream food day for me might be…. Cereal and toast for breakfast, maybe with peanut butter!! God I haven’t eaten toast for such a long time, and peanut butter is totally off limits!! Lunch – I’d love a cheese and tuna toasted sandwich!! Sounds awful but is amazing! One of my favourite foods pre ED. Dinner – anything! A lovely roast with meat and potatoes, a lasagne, a pizza – I literally would just so much love to be able to eat a pizza. My utter love. And a snack? A chocolate bar. Just a chocolate bar. I think I’ve regressed here slightly…sorry.

I want a chocolate bar…

“Our addiction is the most unfair of all. A heroin addict can live without a fix, an alcoholic can turn teetotal. But we have to eat to live. We have to find a way of managing food every day.”

‘True recovery is hard to define. It’s not like having a broken leg where you can look at an X-ray and pronounce it fixed. ‘Recovery is about more than body weight and the overt symptoms of dieting, bingeing and purging. Are you pursuing higher values, has your life come to mean more than just management of your shape? Are you sustaining a career, sleeping well? Have food and body shape stopped being the drivers of your life? It’s unrealistic to expect you will just give up minding what you weigh, but are your feelings around food relaxed and peaceful?‘ (From this article)

I feel utterly despondent with my eating at the moment. I feel hopeless. I know what I have to do. I write what I have to do. I talk about what I have to do. But I cannot do it. I was still trying to contemplate eating breakfast at 5pm today, by which time it was clear I had missed the boat so to speak. I didn’t exercise, but I couldn’t. I’m too tired and cold. I know it’s not exactly summer (I do live in England…!) but I’m in two sweaters, a blanket and hot water bottle at the moment. Is this normal and healthy for a “healthy” young woman?

I am curled up on the sofa with my lovely partner. He’s eating a Chinese – it smells amazing! I had a salad and low calorie wraps. I feel bad because of the wraps. (100 kcals in each and I don’t “do” carbs…) But that’s virtually all I’ve eaten all day. I’m sure I’m going to turn into a tea flavoured cigarette soon – I exist on Tea and Cigarettes. I so want someone to make this go away. I so want to grab a bar of chocolate and eat it by the TV. I’m desperately unhappy. I feel depressed and my depression ignites other self destructive behaviours, which I absolutely do not want to revisit but I feel hopeless. I see no way to be free, I feel trapped and the reality is, the only to blame is, myself.

‘Be the Change…’ Happy Birthday Blog

‘Be the change you want the world to see’ a famous quote that I am fixated on at the moment. I want to change so much, but I am stuck, I’m also sick of excuses, from me.

This blog is a year old! That’s amazing, I feel somewhat proud of that, but also disappointed. My eating disorder has moved on in the course of a year, but I only see negatives. I’m MUCH bigger than I was last year, which upsets me, some clothes don’t fit, which also upsets me. I feel less disciplined and more chaotic. Some weeks recently I’ve only exercised 3 times a week – that massively stresses me, as I don’t feel it’s enough. I’ve had a lot going on recently though. I eat lots. I genuinely do. Just lots of my ‘safe’ foods and non of my fear foods. I never eat lunch, occasionally miss breakfast. Part of me WANTS to try and starve myself again to see if I can, to see if I do lose weight, to have THAT feeling back… But if I do that bit by bit I lose my life and people I love. Is being fat really the worse thing in the world? Am I fat? I can’t know anymore…

I don’t know what recovery is, but for me it has to be the freedom and ability to be able to eat without negative emotions, guilt, depression, being associated with the natural everyday act of eating. It has to be for me to be able to just make peace with myself, to accept myself and like myself a bit. It has to be the ability to cope with ‘life’ and ‘stress’ without resorting to destructive behaviours to ‘help me cope’ and it has to be an ability to eat chocolate – all kinds, and all guilt free…

A Letter…

Dear You,
I want to break up with you. But I can’t. You’re so addictive, like a drug. We’ve been together for over two years now. Do you remember how we got together? I do, I was in a bad place. I was depressed – clinically depressed – I couldn’t go to work, I could hardly get up in the mornings. I felt so bad. People sort of tried to help but no one listened really. They just wanted to dose me up on medications and I felt worse and worse. I lost my appetite for a little while and then you came along. Just subtly at first, the comments people made ‘You’ve lost weight are you ok?’ – You revelled in them, you loved them. As I became more unwell you became my friend. You told me that I’d feel better if I lost more weight. You told me that if I became physically unwell people would realise how bad I felt inside.
You comforted me. You kept me in a bubble and protected me from my world. When I couldn’t deal with things, because I was unwell, you protected me. You were my best friend. You encouraged me and spurred me on. You forced me to get out of bed at 6am to exercise on 500 calories a day. You made me cut back my food intake until I could hardly function. When I was “bad” you got me back on track by making me throw up or take laxatives. You kept me going. But like all relationships, ours deteriorated.
By that time suddenly a lot of people began to notice me. You’d achieved what you set out to do. You’d made me lose a huge amount of weight, you’d made me underweight, you’d ruined my relationship with food and I’d lost a huge chunk of my life. You’d taken away with one hand, what you gave me with the other.
Now we’re at a stage where we aren’t giving each other what we want or need. I am trying but I can’t give you the low calorie intakes you want, or enough workouts to satisfy you anymore. I’m very tired. I feel I’ve let you down, I worked so hard to achieve what you wanted me too, now I’m alone. You frighten me. In the mornings when you scream at me ‘don’t eat breakfast!’, when I haven’t been allowed to eat a sandwich for lunch at work for weeks now, when I feel so unwell due to lack of calories, you terrify me. That’s when you’re at your strongest.
I don’t want to be frightened anymore. I want to be free from you, my eating disorder. You bring me so much misery and pain, so why is it so difficult to walk away from you?

The End… For Now…

I don’t know who I am anymore. I can’t distinguish between ‘me’ and my eating voice. Food still, a year down the line since I started ‘recovery’, dominates my life. I have worn out my support networks, worn out my partner and worn out me. I am now struggling to remember a life before this life, when food was just food, when eating was just eating. People see me eat, people see I’m a “healthy” weight and suddenly I am fine and don’t meet the diagnostic criteria I need to to receive help. So instead I battle every single day to eat, to not to eat, to exercise, to not exercise, to purge, not to purge. I’m physically, emotionally and mentally drained. My body is tired. My legs ache all the time, I have pounding headaches, nosebleeds and dizziness. But ‘physically’ I’m “fine” – just need to eat more regularly.

Do you see how this cycle ends? You can’t cure the body without curing the mind, it goes hand in hand. I feel low and hopeless. I don’t want to get up, I don’t want to get dressed. I don’t care if its Saturday or Monday – it’s irrelevant – I never get a day off from this hell, it’s 24/7. Maybe I’m not trying hard enough – but I’m utterly out of energy. I’m exhausted – through not eating enough, exercise, lack of sleep – who knows, who cares? I’ve lost so much to this eating disorder. I can’t get better – that much is plainly obvious as I’m here a year down the line slowly but surely falling apart again.

This blog has been therapeutic in a way for me. At least I can just pour it out and rant and cry on here. It has served a meaningful purpose, but I wanted this to be a blog about me overcoming such a soul destroying illness, not falling back into its hands and I fear, I truly fear, that now I will never recover. Ill live in a paradox of “existence” – not living – until one day I’d imagine, I will drastically change my weight and ill cause pain to all the people I love and I don’t want to do that. I just can’t go on in this circle again, I want to get off. I’m tired, alone, scared and I want this to stop.

I need a break from this world for a while. And a break from my blog for a while. I need some “head space” for a bit. (Ill be back soon…) Thank you for the support via this blog, I’ve been very touched, it’s been much appreciated. Take care and keep strong Xx

The Week

This week has been long and tiring, but fast at the same time. I’ve only exercised twice – the guilt is immense but I’m eating 1300-1500 kcal so I take a little comfort in that. Gone are the days where I existed on 500 a day, I look back now and wonder how I ever did that… I don’t have enough energy to exercise this week. I never miss my Thursday night exercising but tonight I just want to sleep. I could sleep forever. I am so anxious about my weight. I am fatter today than I was yesterday but not eaten any differently. I am realising my diet is somewhat limiting, but god, I’m eating 1500 kcal A DAY – I should be able to live on half of that!! I’ve done it before…

I’m not sure where to go or what to do. I feel sort of hollow and lost. I want to cry, but I can’t work out why… I wonder whether to do something or do nothing and hope that things improve and move on, but is that likely? Am I going to wake up tomorrow and feel differently? I imagine not, which brings me back to the starting point, what do I do now….???