I want to be free and unrestricted in my life and my eating disorder.
Two people have said to me this week ‘You’ve lost weight’
That phrase is just a battlefield of emotions and honestly, I’m pleased. Have I lost weight? Impossible to tell for sure as I cannot go through the trauma of weighing myself. But I’ve been stressed, I’ve stopped sleeping, I’ve been doing a lot of crying, so quite possibly I have lost weight. My clothes are not tight and I’m surviving on 2 apples a day, and a few other random bits of food every now and then. As delighted as part of me is for restricting well and losing weight, part of me is dying inside a bit every time this happens. I think I’m relapsing, going to a place I’ve been before. Losing two stone won’t make me happy. It won’t change the situations I’m really upset about. But tell that to my ‘eating disordered voice’. It doesn’t listen.
How long does recovery take?
I’m despairing, I’m in virtually the exact same place I was a year ago – bar the fact I’m a stone heavier and occasionally eat some biscuits. Other than that very little has changed. Will it change by next year? The year after?
I’m terrified. I’m terrified of bring ill, terrified of eating. Someone said to me today ‘Everyone is waiting for you, waiting for you to get better, to come back and be you again’. I spent a lot of time crying. I said to Mr J, ‘I can’t do this, please can you do it for me’ I’m so tired. Exhausted. Carrying around an eating disorder on top of just life. I’m scared about how addictive my eating disorder is. I’ve not eaten much in the past few weeks, and it’s been ridiculously easy in many ways to slip back in and not eat.
I so want a bloody pizza. I would literally just eat 7000 pizzas.
I want to laugh again, and live, and be ‘me’.
How do people recover? Is it possible? I just want someone to switch off this voice in my head.
I wish it would go away. It’s destroying my life. It’s taken me.